“When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres. As they danced, they sang: ‘Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.’ Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. ‘They have credited David with tens of thousands,’ he thought, ‘but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?’ And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David.”
1 Samuel 18:6-9 NIV 

Insecurity will destroy you. 

Insecurity takes up a ton of territory in our mind, crowding out space for all the good things God calls us to dwell on. The Scriptures above in 1 Samuel say Saul simply “thought” and that is where his demise was birthed. What you think about will impact how you live. Insecurity is ultimately an issue of the heart but it wages war in our minds. 

Within this story, we see that “Saul kept a close eye on David.” Why would he do this? Because he was thinking about him. 

We must win the war of insecurity in our mind by renewing it and dealing with our past. Ironically, the only way to go back in time to deal with our issues is to….you guessed it, think about them. Some of us need to go back to the painful moments that created roots of insecurity in our lives and deal with them. We know that Saul didn’t do this...and his insecurity ultimately ruined him. 

Can you imagine how miserable Saul must have been? His army comes home victorious but he’s preoccupied with what song the women are singing. Then he resolves in his heart that he’s going to keep an eye on David. I would be willing to bet that Saul wasn’t a very fun guy to be around! 

Maybe you find yourself crippled by anxiety and insecurity like Saul. Is your thought life constantly out of whack? Do you struggle with comparison? Does it cause you to walk in fear of others' success? 

Here are three ways I believe we can stop insecurity from overtaking our lives and stealing our victory:

1. Rediscover your identity in Christ. Find out what the Bible says about you. It’s crucial that you know this! Read scriptures that affirm the value heaven places on your life. Jesus exchanged his life for yours, paying a very high price for you. Our Father in Heaven thinks the world of you...His son or daughter.  

2. Learn to celebrate others instead of comparing. Every story is different and that’s okay. In fact, we should celebrate it! When we compare our journey to others, we feed insecurity. When we celebrate others, we starve it.

3. Get the counseling you need. Years ago, a counselor who became a dear friend of mine helped me walk out of a spirit of fear myself. What I found was that it was deeply rooted in insecurity. In 2015, I was devastated by crippling fear and it caused me to seek help. I compared myself and my calling to everyone else’s. I wanted to please people more than God and I had no idea I was doing it. Sometimes, we need someone to come alongside us to navigate the things that come up in life. My friend Mike was a gift from the Father for me. It wasn’t just “sofa psychology.” No, it was spiritual warfare and the true renewing of my mind. Find a Christian counselor to help you or reach out to the local church to point you in the right direction!

“So don’t hide your light! Let it shine brightly before others, so that your commendable works will shine as light upon them, and then they will give their praise to your Father in heaven.”
Matthew 5:16

I’m a personality test nerd. There, I said it. The first time I ever took a personality test was in college at Florida State College at Jacksonville (back then FCCJ.) It was the Myers-Briggs test and I was honestly blown away by how accurately it pinned me. Rather than boxing me in, the test actually helped me to have a greater understanding of how both myself and others are wired. It highlighted simple things like why an extravert thinks out loud while an introvert has to isolate themselves to process information. I’m an introvert by the way, (ISFJ according to Myers-Briggs). I often think it’s just one example of God’s sense of humor that he would call an introvert into a pastoral role. 

Years after taking that first personality test, I discovered the Enneagram (I’m a 9!), which helped me understand even more how I interact with other types of people socially and relationally. Myers-Briggs and Enneagram are both fantastic tools to learn more about oneself and how you interact with the world around you. But, I have to tell you by far my favorite personality test is the StrengthsFinder.

Just so you have an idea of what you’ll learn from this test, my top five strengths are Developer, Positivity, Harmony, Belief, and Consistency. To apply that practically, I should really be focusing on pouring into other people, keeping a positive attitude, being a peacemaker, having a strong moral compass and making sure things are fair. But, focusing on all of those positive things is easier said than done. Like many of us, I sometimes end up focusing on the things that I’m not so good at or better yet, the things God didn’t design and purpose me to do. One study I read showed that 70% of people fail to focus on what they do best. If that doesn’t hit home, I don't know what will! But, we’ll come back to that. For now, let me nerd out just a little bit more…

The description of the StrengthsFinder test is in the name...it simply helps you find and focus on your strengths. I understand that may seem like an obvious statement. Don’t we all already have a pretty good idea of our strengths and wouldn’t we already be focusing on honing them? You would think so, but I’ve discovered that’s not necessarily true and a lot of us fall into something called the “Rudy Effect.” 

You probably all know the story of Daniel Eugene “Rudy” Ruettiger. He inspired the 1993 classic “Rudy,” the inspiring tale of a young man overcoming all odds to fulfill his dream of playing football at Notre Dame. We all love this story. It inspires us to conquer the world! It teaches us that if we put our mind to it, we can do anything! But, I’m here to tell you that’s probably not the best use of our time, energy, effort, and God-given talents. Rudy Ruettiger was 5 foot 6 inches, 165 pounds. He worked his tail off and was finally able to play in one game in the final game of his senior season. I’m going out on a limb in saying that I don’t think football was Rudy Ruettiger’s strength. What if he spent all that time, energy and effort on something that was an actual strength of his? 

We can all be guilty of the Rudy Effect. We especially see this as parents when report cards come home. Our child can bring home all A’s and one C. What are we really going to focus on? The C, of course! Studies show that 77% of parents think student’s lowest grades deserve the most time and attention, instead of giving encouragement in the grades they do well in. Parents and teachers alike tend to reward excellence with apathy, rather than taking the opportunity to invest more time in the areas where a child has the potential for greatness. Not to be the bearer of bad news, but if you fail math all throughout school, you’re probably not going to be an accountant. Maybe! There’s always one. But, it’s not likely. So, what am I trying to tell you here? Brace yourself...you actually cannot be anything you want to be. But, you definitely can be a lot more than who you already are. (I know what you’re thinking...really keeping it positive, huh Pastor Brian...isn’t that one of your strengths?) 

The Bible says in Proverbs 16:9 that in their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. It also says in Ephesians 2:10 that we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God has prepared in advance for us to do. Listen, God has a specific plan and purpose for you. But (and this is a big but), it’s our choice to take the step and partner with Him to achieve that purpose. 

Part of achieving that purpose is discovering how we are uniquely wired and what strengths God has given each of us. This is why we spend an entire week of class in Vitals (shameless plug...go sign up on the Bold City Church app today!) focused specifically on the participants through both a spiritual gifts test and a personality test. We want to help you discover how God designed you and what your specific purpose in life is. Like Pastor Jason always says, you can find the general will of God in the Bible, but you’ll discover the specific will of God in your secret place. The Holy Spirit will download knowledge and clarity about your purpose as you grow closer to Him and spend more time with Him. Once you get that word from the Holy Spirit, you need to make sure it aligns with scripture and then get godly counsel from those folks in your life that you trust most. 

Want to apply this in your own life? Here’s some homework on how to find your God-given purpose:

1. Find yourself in the secret place. What is the Holy Spirit telling you about your purpose?

2. Take some personality tests. Shoot, take them all. Myers Briggs, Enneagram, StrengthsFinders, etc.

3. What are you passionate about? What energizes you?

4. What are you naturally really good at? (But, not perfect! No one does anything perfect all the time.) 

And then probably the most difficult part...once you figure it out, apply it. Whatever you do, don’t waste your God-given talents. Don’t keep them to yourself. God has equipped you to be a light! 

Once all the gathering of school supplies, picking out backpacks, and buying new clothes was finished, reality finally sank in. After seven years of homeschooling, this season was officially coming to a close. My boys would be going to school for the first time in their lives. 

On the morning of the first day of school, I was a wreck. I couldn’t eat breakfast and to make matters worse, I couldn’t even drink my coffee. The kids and I listened to worship music and sang together the entire way to school. We did their familiar daily affirmations and prayed to Jesus. I could feel the emotions inside me welling up. As we approached the front of the school, one of the teachers helped the boys get out. After a few “I love you, see you later” exchanges, I slowly put the car in drive and pulled away. In my rearview mirror, I could see my sweet boys watching my car get further away from them. 

Holding onto my last glimpse of them, I drove off sobbing. There I was, crying in the car while navigating so many emotions - thankful for the opportunity for my boys to be in a great school, sad that I would no longer be there for all their firsts, excited that they would be experiencing something new, and nervous for this uncharted territory. You name it, I probably felt it. But most of all, I felt scared. I was scared of what they would be exposed to. I had intentionally held them so close to me all these years because I knew I could protect them there. In arms reach, I could shelter them from an increasingly invasive culture that was often different from what we wanted to teach them. I was scared of the possibility of them being bullied. I was scared they would start to grow distant as we spent less time together. 

After many minutes on this roller coaster of emotions, I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath. I knew that I could stay there, right in the deep abyss of my emotions. It would actually be the more comfortable choice to camp right there in my feelings. But, I had a choice to make. Realistically, I knew I needed to cling to Jesus. I would not be able to navigate this one alone. 

I needed Him.

I desperately desired Him actually. 

I turned on worship music and sang as loud as I could to our good, good Father. I knew in that exact moment that I would get through this and so would my boys. Not because of anything I could do for myself or anyone else could do for me, but because I knew that He would see us through it. The hot mess mama that I was and still am, He loves deeply.

His love demolished all the fear and insecurities I was walking through that morning. 

We have come into an intimate experience with God’s love, and we trust in the love he has for us. God is love! Those who are living in love are living in God, and God lives through them. 
1 John 4:16 TPT

The longer I worshiped, the more confident I felt about this new season. I didn’t necessarily have confidence in myself, the boys, my husband or even the boys' new school. It was confidence knowing who God is! I knew that He had a plan for us. I knew I would see our breakthrough. Until then, I would be praising Him for He is and what He has planned! 

Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. 
Psalms 103:1-2 NLT

As the morning drop-offs continued throughout that first week and into the second week of school, I still pulled away with tears in my eyes. I continued to praise Jesus, wholly surrendered and clinging to Him. By the third week in, we had a breakthrough! I received a message from one of my son’s teachers. It read like this:

“Mrs. Stafford, Thank you for the supplies that you sent in. I wanted to share with you that your son has forever changed my life. Today, a classmate was crying due to aggravation during the spelling test. Your son got up from his seat without hesitation, put his hand on his back and said these words: ‘It may not be ok right now, but it will be because Jesus is for you. Jesus, help my friend not be sad. Amen.’ I cannot begin to explain how your son’s faith and trust has changed my view of God. Can you tell me again what church you go to? I am thankful for your family.”

As I read this message, tears of joy streamed down my face. At the same time God was giving us breakthrough, He was using it for someone else, too. Our new season was about so much more than just us, it was for the Kingdom! I am confident that God is working even when we cannot see it or feel it. 

Let me encourage you today in your season: praise Jesus until your breakthrough happens! Even when it seems impossible, lean into Him. He loves you! Trust Him. Believe that what He has planned for you is good. Thank Him because He knows what you need. Pray that your new season will advance the Kingdom. 

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;”
Psalm 40:2 NIV 

As the wheels spun and the van sunk deeper into the wet grass, mud was going everywhere. Admittedly, it wasn’t that deep...but we were still stuck. My friends and I were not only frustrated, but we were also comic relief for the county water crew working on the underground pipes who were watching us. It was hot and we were out of ideas to remedy the problem. Finally, the crew asked if we could use some help. In fact, they offered to bring their “digger” (or whatever you call it) over and pull us out. A few minutes later, with the help of a big chain, they pulled the van out of the mud. We were unstuck and free to move on. We were also slightly humiliated. Did I mention that we were in the church van? Yep, we gave the neighborhood a front row seat to witness our poor decision making in that moment. 

You see, we had the best intentions in our plan: take a shortcut across the lawn, unload the riding lawnmowers, and get the job done, bada bing - bada boom. But, life doesn't always work out that simple. And shortcuts are not always shorter. The ground was softer and wetter than we planned on, the load was heavier than we thought, and we needed more help than we realized. Life is that way, too! Our marriages, parenting, jobs, even simple errands become more difficult than we planned sometimes. We can easily get stuck in the mud of a quick decision, bad attitude, or an angry response that makes a problem worse.

Thankfully, God sees us stuck in the mud of our decisions, disappointments, and doubts. He not only sees us but He also comes to our rescue and lifts us out of the mud and mire. Maybe He fixes the problem, maybe He adjusts our attitude, maybe He teaches us a lesson, or maybe He gives us an opportunity to help someone else. But, make no mistake - He wants to work it out with us.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing, and a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.”
Psalm 40:1-3 NLT

Next time you are stuck in the mud, remember this verse and the truth that God listens, God lifts, and God leads. 

• God listens: The amazing thing about God is that He lets us vent and does not condemn us or cut us off. Although God is not obligated to do things your way, He cares and hears what you have to say. 

• God lifts: He will not leave you in that pit. It may feel like an eternity to you, but God will lift you out of your depression, out of your brokenness, out of your confusion, and out of your emptiness. He starts by lifting our hopes, our purpose, and our revelation of Him. 

• God leads: He gives us a new song to sing...a song wrapped up in His truth and His victory. When we rejoice, whether in or out of our mud hole, others who are stuck can learn who our God is and find their way out, too.   

The funny thing is, we didn't ask these county workers to help us when we were stuck in the mud that day. They just came over (albeit after they had a good laugh) and offered to help. Think about it. God offered us His help before we asked or even knew we needed help. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrated his love for us in this while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” If you think about it, He made us an offer we couldn’t refuse! Now that's real love and real help. Are you stuck in the mud? Rest assured that if you will turn to God today, He will listen, lift, and lead you out. 

Just the other day, I overheard a video my husband was watching. The guy in the video was talking about skiers and how they learn to ski through trees. He said something like “They don’t look at the trees, they look at the snow, the path.” This stuck out to me so much that I had to hunt to find the video.

As I watched what he was saying, it began to speak to me and I found myself relating it to my own life. He was saying that if skiers go through trees thinking “Don’t hit a tree! Don’t hit a tree! Don’t hit a tree!” they’ll only be watching the trees. But, if they choose to focus on the snow path, they don’t end up even seeing the trees but plenty of path instead.

One Sunday while leading worship, I found myself starting to get very distracted. In that moment the phrase “follow the snow” kept resounding in my mind. So, in order to bring myself back into the moment and what God wanted to do I started repeating to myself “Focus on God. Focus on God. Focus on God,” and it worked! I felt my attention shift back to the Father and I was able to continue leading. If you’ve ever seen the old movie, “Runaway Bride,” this may remind you of Bob, the unfortunate #4 fiancee of Maggie Carpenter. He told Mr. Ike Graham that the trick to Maggie finally making it down the aisle was to focus. When Bob explained this technique to Ike he said “Focus on Bob. Focus on Maggie.” Good in theory until a camera flash goes off and Maggie loses focus and takes off again from another wedding attempt. Spoiler alert: Only once she could get away from all distractions and truly focus on the one was Maggie able to say “I do.”

We live in the most distracted time in human history. So many things pull us in different directions. The number one reason I hear from people that neglect their Secret Place with God is that they can’t focus. I think we overcomplicate how to fix this. Instead of beating yourself up and shouting (mentally and maybe literally) “Stop Getting Distracted,” why don’t we calmly breathe in and out saying “Focus on God. Focus on God. Focus on God.” I encourage you to try it. Try it in the morning during your quiet time but also throughout the day. Center your focus on the Father at all times. 

Like Maggie in Runaway Bride, we should get away with God as Jesus did so many times. However, in every second of the day, we should still keep our eyes fixed on God. If we keep our eyes fixed on our problems, we’ll crash every time. With our eyes fixed on the One, before you know it you’ll be gliding! This will not be because the trees (the chaos of life) are gone, but because your perspective has shifted allowing you to see the God path for your life.

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go,
He’s the one who will keep you on track.” 
Proverbs 3:5-6 MSG

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!”
Philippians 4:4 NLT 

Joy can be hard to come by these days. But, the Bible says it is something that not only is constantly available to us, but that we should walk in at all times!

See, in this verse in Philippians, Paul says “always be full of joy in the Lord.” You know, the word “always” is not an occasional word. Always isn’t fleeting. Always isn’t about convenience. Always means at all times. Paul is saying no matter what is going on, no matter our circumstances, have joy. Think about that: we are being commanded to walk in joy always. 

As I began to think about this in my own life, a few ways I can live this out came to mind. Maybe they’ll help you, too! 

1. We have to recognize that, unlike happiness, joy is not an option. Holding onto joy is a must in order to live the full life that Jesus has promised us. This is a command. 

2. If it’s commanded to us, that means it’s possible to do! Otherwise, how could He require it of us? Dwell on this revelation for a minute - you have the ability to walk in joy 24/7. (Paul demonstrated it for us.) 

3. I also notice that Paul said “in the Lord.” While walking in joy is always possible because it’s a command, it is not possible if you go looking for it anywhere else but God! The only place that permanent joy resides is with the Lord. If we want to obtain it, we must be walking in step with the Holy Spirit daily. 

4. Joy must be sought daily in prayer. Ask for it and hold the Father to His word. My prayer many mornings is “Father you want me to walk in joy always…your word says it, so I desire it and ask for it!” 

5. Then, it’s time to experience it: worship! Worship is the number one place I sense joy in the presence of God. The reason for that is because His presence cascades over the soul in times of worship. 

6. Make sure to choose joy. No matter how dark the world is, my biblical world view provides me the opportunity to still have joy! My heart breaks for the illness, disease, global crises, wars, and tragedy I see in our world, just as the Father’s heart breaks. However, I rejoice knowing that human suffering is so short in comparison to our time with the Father in eternity. 

7. Protect your joy. Choose the secret place first every day, don’t rush it, and don’t miss it. It’s the most important thing you’ll do all day. Don’t let circumstances and situations rob you of it either. We are all guilty of it… life has a way of attempting to crush our joy and the enemy most certainly comes to steal it. Fight for 24/7 joy! Make it a priority! 

Welcome back! At the end of last year, I had the awesome opportunity to talk about how to facilitate an environment that fosters healthy and excited serve team members and raises up new leaders. You should definitely check that piece out if you haven’t already! Though this blog is written in the context of someone working in full-time ministry, I truly believe this advice applies to all of us - whether you’re a manager, director, or simply trying to work amongst a team that could use some direction at your own workplace. 

So today, as a follow up to that blog, I want to dive into some bite-sized thoughts on giving direction and feedback to your “unseen” team...and really any team for that matter. With that, welcome to Part 2- Where are we going? Questions and answers!

Where are we going?

I’m an Apple Maps guy. When I’m trying to get somewhere, I need the address. Please don’t give me landmarks because I’ll get lost every time! The way I interpret landmarks may be different than you remember. To get where I need to go, I need a clear target and unseen teams need that, too!

Directions ≠ landmarks.

Fun fact: if you look at the definition of the word “direction,” from Cambridge to Webster’s Dictionary, nowhere will you find landmarks as a characteristic, synonym, or definition of direction. Huh! Makes you think. 

Here’s an example from my own environment and one that might work for you, too. “I want the music to sound good at church” is a landmark. To be fair, it is a great goal after all. Sadly, it can be interpreted in so many ways that you probably won’t achieve what you really want. On the other hand, “I want to be able to hear each instrument in the mix, focusing more on dynamic range and less on compression via active mixing” gives specific instruction. 

To the rest of us, that may sound like a whole bunch of word salad. But to a sound engineer, that is clear, actionable direction. That’s my job - to speak clearly and kindly to my team as I give them directions. If you take the time to give good directions, your team will thank you, be set for their journey, and will have a better chance of not getting lost along the way!

We did a thing!

If giving direction is at one end of the spectrum, then feedback is at the other end. After we do anything, there should be time dedicated to celebration and introspection. Feedback, constructive criticism, whatever you want to call it, oftentimes has a negative stigma around it. As leaders, we have a responsibility to contextualize what good feedback is and what it isn’t. Every time I train a new creative team member, I dedicate a portion of time specifically on giving feedback and how feedback should and will look. I let my team members know that giving notes means I’m already thinking about the future and that’s good...because I’m seeing them in that picture! Not only that, I’m visualizing our team excelling even more than before. The difference between the two is what I’m trying to discover… that's feedback!

Questions and Answers

How do we actually give good feedback? I say, ask good questions! Any time we do a thing I ask and answer these four questions: 

What went right?

Start by celebrating and protecting the wins. What did we do really well? What helped us get there? How do we do that again? Clearly answering and expressing the areas where we excel affords us time to recognize each other and create consistent wins.

What went wrong?

Where did we outright flub? What did we try to do and fail? What caused this? What can we do to turn this into a win next time? Knowing where we fell short gives us an opportunity to grow. We all make mistakes. What separates us is in our response.

What was missing?

What came at us out of left field? What didn’t we plan for? What could have made this better? What didn’t we know? What should we have known? Hindsight is 20/20, so use that as an opportunity to plan and make what you do even better next time! 

What was confusing?

What slowed us down? What wasn’t clear? Why was there confusion? How could we clarify or simplify? Guess what? Sometimes the answers to these questions point back to us as leaders. How we come to terms with this and how we take responsibility will model the culture of leadership for your team. Make sure you nail this!

By doing these things, we own what’s ours in a Christlike way. We become an example and watch as our team grows to respect and follow us at a greater level!

You’ve also created a fantastic opportunity to brainstorm with your team and include them in solving the puzzle! Here’s a bonus: if something can be owned by a team member, ask them to help you. At the end of all this, your team will walk away with greater ownership and clearer directions to get them where they’re going. For this roadmap, they will thank you and truly enjoy being called part of the team!

Have you ever had to have a tough conversation? Undoubtedly, you find yourself nodding your head yes. If you’ve been married longer than a month, your answer to this is a resounding yes. If you are a parent, you’re likely asking me aloud now “Are you kidding? What do you think I do all day long?”  

Regardless of our station in life, we simply can’t avoid the tough talks every now and then. Whether it’s with a coworker who has crossed a boundary or offended us in some way or a beloved family member who is working our very last nerve and (intentionally) pushing our buttons, we all have to find ways to communicate in less than pleasant circumstances. 

Fortunately, the Bible gives us specific instructions for what should come out of our mouths and the words we ought to choose even when we’re frustrated, angry, sad, or discouraged. And yet, heeding these instructions isn’t always easy. I know what you’re thinking...how about if I write it in an email? I am sorry to report there is no technology clause for this one. All kidding aside, no matter the method of communication we choose, all of our communication as followers of Jesus should be an encouragement to others - even the constructive and corrective kind. 

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
Ephesians 4:29 NLT

Good and helpful at the same time? Tall task. Seems to me it would be easier to just be sweet, nice, and good or critical and “helpful.” But both, Jesus? Really? 

Take it from me, this verse is a hard pill to swallow for someone who struggles with anger. 

Whoops. Did I just admit that in writing? Yep, I did. Even church folks, pastors, and leaders struggle from time to time. By the grace of God, I am not where he first found me. Far from it. But, I haven’t arrived either. None of us have. One of the ways we become painfully aware of that fact is through tough conversations and difficult communication. 

But, I am here to report that there is still hope for us yet. Maybe you are like me and find it difficult to control your tongue when you’re good and mad. On the other hand, you may happen to be the opposite. Possibly, you’re the type of person who’s mastered the art of hiding how you really feel. Some of us are interchangeably both of these people depending on who we’re around and how well we know our audience. Either way, internalizing your frustration and stuffing your feelings down to deal with another day is just as perilous as exploding in anger, perhaps even more so. Eventually, you’re going to blow. Through tears or screaming, it’s finding a way out one way or another. 

“But the words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you.”
Matthew 15:18 NLT 

I once heard a pastor say, “If you are called to prophesy, you are going to struggle to control your mouth,” and it resonated deeply with me. In other words, your words are telling on you. It would seem to me that our issue with words is actually a heart issue. The mouth is just the outward symptom of the heart condition. So, if we truly want to walk in power and fullness of joy, even into a tough conversation, we need to believe and truly ask God to help us apply this direction in Ephesians in order to prophesy from a place of purity. 

Let me guess, you’re thinking “Me? Prophesy? No way. That’s what super spiritual Christians do.” 

Wrong. Even if you’re not a preacher on a platform, your words of encouragement that build people up and call them to become who God has created them to be are a type of prophesying! If you’re a parent, your daily words of affirmation over your children are prophetic. Every time you choose to edify your spouse in love instead of responding from a place of aggravation, you crucify your flesh and allow your tongue to be used by Christ. Each time you decide to show empathy to that coworker instead of firing off a snappy email, you are inviting the light of the world to shine through you. 

“Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”
Proverbs 16:24 NLT 

Ask yourself, how might God want to redirect your frustration and turn your communication with others into something life-giving and healthy? 

Maybe it’s because I am a Communications Director and have worked in media and communications for almost a decade, but I often find myself engrossed by getting better, clearer, and (as a believer) more loving in the way I communicate. By the time you read this blog, I’ve likely already re-read it at least ten times myself. 

Because of that, I often ruminate on conversations I’ve had after they’ve happened, sometimes to a fault. I was doing this just the other day and I felt the voice of God giving me some tips in a few areas about how to improve the way I approach certain conversations. Some of these I struggle with myself and some I have seen in the lives of others. But, every one of them has to do with situational awareness and applying the wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit, so that our communication may be both good and helpful. Hopefully, they’ll help you, too! 

Timing 

What if you have the right thing to say at the wrong time? Here’s a hint: Don’t say it. It’s key to remember that you’re not the only participant in two-way communication. 

Need a real life example? I’ve got you covered. My husband works from home and we have help caring for my young son most days. But, there are a few times in between the cracks of our schedule when he’s on dad duty and desk duty at the same time. (Applicable sidenote: I hate messes.) If I come home from work and the house is a wreck, I feel like I have to clean it before I can cook dinner. Before I know it, I’m fussing about what a disaster it is and how stressed it makes me instead of seeing the blessing right before my eyes or considering how he might feel about trying to be all things to all people. 

Case in point, this is absolutely not the right time to express my discontent with the state of our home or the toys strewn all over the living room floor. Rather, it might be a time to express my thankfulness for our partnership in caring for our son and how hard he works at the same time to provide for our family.

It’s not that you can’t express yourself. (Trust me, I am still bothered by the mess.) It's simply important to decide when. We’ve actually been given the freedom to choose our timing. Besides, putting a little distance between yourself and your frustration often brings the wisdom that’s needed to have a fruitful conversation at a later time. 

Tone 

When I was in grad school studying communications, I learned about a communication theory called “the medium is the message.” Hmm..makes me think. If you’re personally offended by someone, social media probably isn’t the place to go with it. Scratch that, it definitely isn’t. That’s because tone matters and it is very difficult to ascertain tone on a Facebook post. To round out this point, let’s go ahead and lump texts in, too. 

God created us as relational beings for a reason. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve quite literally created my livelihood based on social media and a history of online communication. But, even I realize that texts and DMs aren’t the appropriate place for a difficult conversation, especially with a loved one or a friend. (There’s a character limit for a reason, folks!) 

How you choose to send your message and what it sounds like coming out of your mouth matter. Remember that our scripture in Ephesians tells us that our words should build each other up. One way to work on your tone is to pray before you go into a conversation. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you how kind and merciful He has always been to you when you’ve messed up so that you can take that same grace into your next tough talk and allow it to affect your tone. Remember that no one likes to be talked down to and condescension won’t get you far. Choose kindness in your tone. 

Track Record 

I searched for a gentler, less direct way of expressing this one (especially considering the topic at hand) and came up nil, so here it is - consider the idea that you haven’t earned the right to speak into someone’s life. If you have no record of practicing empathy for this person, they probably aren’t going to receive criticism from you either, at least not kindly. Or perhaps for some other reason entirely that isn’t your fault, this conversation isn’t yours to have. 

The best conversations, especially when they are hard ones, come from a place of relationship. If you don’t have one, a tough conversation likely isn’t going to go very well. Sure, there are times we have run-ins with strangers and folks we don’t know well that we will need to navigate. But, we need the grace of God to help us through these situations as we lay down our will and seek only to encourage. 

Considering timing, tone, and track record helps us rise to the occasion of our next tough conversation instead of dreading it and gives us the wisdom to see it as an opportunity for growth. I don’t know about you, but I hope to look more and more like Jesus, the greatest communicator of all time, each and every day until I see him face to face. On that day, will you be able to stand with your head held high knowing that you did all you could to encourage and build up others? 

Do you like adventure? My family and I love adventuring to see new places and have been on quite the journey this summer. We recently spent time in Colorado and let me tell you, it was simply amazing. As the Lead Pastors of Bold City Church, we wanted the opportunity to show some love to our SEU at Bold City Church students on their summer trip as well as some of our ministry friends and families after the trip was over. Our own family was so refreshed as we spent some much needed time together disconnecting from our day-to-day lives. 

Then, we came back home for just five days only to unpack and get packed up all over again to head off to Youth Camp with our students. Again, another powerful trip! Lives were changed, transformed, and young people were set on fire for the things of God! Needless to say, June and July have been special seasons for our family and our church. And yet, we’re just getting started! 

Throughout the course of the last four weeks, I realized how much easier it was to press into our Heavenly Father and spend time soaking in my secret place. Some people in the south say “The higher the hair, the closer to heaven!” I totally believe the higher the elevation, the closer to Jesus, am I right?! All joking aside, I really did notice my ability to get quiet and enter the stillness was so much easier while traveling. But, why?

The more I thought about it, I realized exactly why I felt this way. I had very few distractions on our trip out west. My phone rarely had service. I wasn’t focused on my to-do list at home nor was I concerned about responding to emails. I didn’t have my day laid out hour-by-hour anticipating the next thing. I was able to go with the flow and focus on my family. Distractions were at a minimum. 

I realize it’s not realistic for this to become our everyday scenario. We don’t have the luxury of pushing aside our roles and living a life void of responsibility. That is not what we’re called to do. However, I do wonder if many of the things we take on are burdens that aren’t ours to carry in the first place. The commitments we say “yes” to can sometimes be more overwhelming than they are life-giving. We continue to add to our already full plates that we’re desperately trying to balance instead of recognizing the unnecessary distractions for what they are. We identify them as needed. We tell ourselves that once x, y and z are completed, life will slow down. We tell ourselves that same lie week after week, year after year, and it never lets up.

What do we end up sacrificing in those seasons? Time. Energy. Moments. Peace. Distractions have a way of pulling us away from the things that matter most. You see, our distractions aren’t always sinful, but sin can often be born out of our distractions. Some distractions are relatively harmless and some are outright destructive. 

“Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every hindrance and the sin that so easily ensnares us.”
Hebrews 12:1

Think about some things that serve as a distraction in your life - things that hinder you from moving forward in your true calling. Maybe it’s your phone, your social media platform of choice, certain friends and relationships, or even your habit of comparison.

Audit your own life using these examples: How often do you disengage from a potentially meaningful conversation in order to check your phone? How many times a day do you check your work email when you’re not on the clock? In regards to friendships and relationships, who are the people you spend the most time with? How frequently are you comparing your own life to someone else’s highlight reel on the internet who you’ve never even met? Or to your own friends?

These are not all inherently bad things. I am not saying you shouldn’t engage on social media. I am also not saying that you shouldn’t associate with people who don’t believe what you believe. In fact, if we are to be like Jesus and do as He did, we should take note that He often spent time with those who did not live an honorable and righteous life. But, He focused most on the twelve disciples. To boot, Jesus influenced them, He didn’t allow them to influence Him. He was in relationship and had an investment in a select few. But, He loved the masses. It’s also not a bad thing to identify good things in someone else’s life that you’d like to see in your own. But, that observation must stop short of the poisonous distraction that is comparing what God is doing in your life to what he has done in someone else’s.

You see, none of these things mentioned are necessarily sinful in their own right. But, how many times have one of these things led you down a path that opened the door to sin? Whether we want to admit it or not, our deepest longing is to be loved. It’s the truth for all of us. God designed us that way. But people pleasing and repeatedly saying yes to things we shouldn’t won’t give us the fulfillment that we truly desire. Those things will temporarily bring acceptance and comfort, but it’s short-lived. Not everyone accepted Jesus and yet He didn’t allow that to distract Him from what the Father had called Him to do. 

The Bible constantly reminds us how easily we become distracted. So, we must continuously choose to declutter our minds and refocus our thoughts.

For me, distractions are a daily struggle. Aside from ministry, I’m a wife and a mom and a friend and daughter and a sister. I’m a home chef, a taxi driver, a house cleaner and the family photographer. All of those things are titles I have in my life and roles that I fill, but even they can become a distraction. If I put my husband before my relationship with Jesus, I’ve missed it. If I put my kids before Jesus, I’ve missed it. The same goes for every other relationship and responsibility that I hold. 

Here’s one that may surprise you: ministry can even become a distraction. I can get so caught up doing all of these things for God that I sacrifice spending time with God. When I do this, I’ve missed it. Maybe you can think of some of these things in your life. Some of these are seemingly good things that interfere with what God is calling you to or who He is calling you to be. Hear me when I say this: just because it’s a good thing doesn’t mean it’s a God thing. 

Let’s revisit the text above in Hebrews and read a little further. 

“Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith.”
Hebrews 12:2

Why do you think the author of Hebrews stresses the importance of running your race with endurance?

I’ll tell you why: because it will be hard. It won’t always be simple and easy. Endurance will be a requirement. This journey with Jesus will come with bumps in the road, but I can promise you that it is so much better to run this race with him than in opposition to Him. He’s not going to force you. In Luke 11, we can see that the Holy Spirit acts like a gentleman. He will not make you walk with Him, but He will continue to hold His hand out to you. He will continue to pursue you and chase after your heart.

Here is the good news: when you do give in to your distractions and the desires of your flesh, it doesn’t mean you have to start all over. Far from it, actually. Think about a race. Any race will do - a car race, a marathon, a horse derby. Whenever the participant struggles in some way, they pick up and continue from the place they stopped. They just keep going. They don’t retreat to the starting line and neither should you. Scripture tells us that His mercies are new every morning. You get up, dust yourself off, recognize where you missed it, repent, and move on.

Repentance isn’t bad! Quite the opposite. Repentance allows you to walk closer to freedom. It’s not an optional thing, it’s an obedience thing. 

You know the hardest thing for most about following Jesus? Consistency. Consistency in the secret place - reading God’s word, praying, worshiping.

The value of consistent prayer isn’t that He will hear us, but that we will learn how to truly hear Him. It’s hard to limit our distractions, but it allows you to hear His voice.

It amplifies a whisper that is so easily drowned out by noise. When you’re overwhelmed by distractions, it makes it really hard to hear a whisper. 

Believe it or not, you do have the ability to set those things aside and seek the Lord passionately and desperately not just when it’s easy, but when it’s really, really hard. Don’t allow those distractions around you to silence His Spirit within you. So, I am praying for you, the person reading this. Whether you find yourself on vacation as you read this or right in the middle of your everyday life, I believe that you will be able to identify your distractions this week and take one more step toward all that God has for you...it’s more than you could imagine! 

“How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, ‘Your God reigns!’”
Isaiah 52:7

“What’s your motive? What motivates you to just pick up and move your family, not once, but twice now?” These are questions that I’ve been asked by my friends and family and when I start to share my story with new people I meet.

I accepted Jesus at the age of thirteen, but did not fully surrender to the Holy Spirit until I was twenty-nine. That’s sixteen years of wrestling, destruction and pain that led to finally giving all of myself to faith in God through Jesus Christ.  

In 2016, God prompted me to quit my job I had held for two years with a great construction company and take my family to go serve for a year at 5Rock Ranch in Yamhill, Oregon. While there, we got to walk closely with single moms, fatherless children, and struggling adults. Prior to heading out on this adventure, I was asked many questions like, “Why are you doing this?” 

These questions challenged me to think about my motive more than I had up to this point. As I really started to think about these questions and our motive, it made me wonder what our friends and family thought it was. Maybe an explanation would help everyone around us understand why we were making a pretty big decision to go on a one year mission as a family. We decided to set up a website and use it to update our friends and family with pictures and stories of our journey. My wife Jamie expressed the processing that we were going through as we transitioned to the ranch. We know very well that we are not perfect people, so we wanted to be honest about how we were processing as things came up in our lives. 

If you had been around my wife and I for any amount of time, then you’d know that we are willing to share our struggles. We do this intentionally to show our imperfection as that is the reality we are working through, but not our hope. We don’t stay in the place of believing we are imperfect. We are constantly reminded daily through God’s word and conversations with Him that we indeed are perfect in His eyes. We live in the hope that what we have read and experienced is real.  We believe that what He says about us is true. Our faith has been strengthened by moments that are unexplainable, but only could have happened if God is who He says He is.

After our one year at 5Rock Ranch, we moved back to Southern California to reunite with family, friends, and back to work for me with the same construction company. After another two and a half years, here we are again packing up our family and moving across the country to Jacksonville, Florida. This time it was for me to step into a pastoral role and Jamie to be an assistant to our Lead Pastor at Bold City Church. Again, those same questions came up as we made this transition away from family and friends across the country into a new career at age 40, nonetheless. It really sounds like a very dumb decision to many, but it came down to our motive.

As I was thinking about our motives as followers of Jesus Christ, I came to this: I think it is clear to us that we only really have one motive, and that is to see God’s name proclaimed in Jesus Christ. We really have to believe that God is real, that God's words are true and that through Jesus Christ we are saved into God’s eternal family. If we believe this, then this is where our motive comes from. The motivation comes from our Father in Heaven. We don’t get to choose the motive because that has already been established for us long ago. We just get to choose whether we are driven by it or not.  

For Jamie and I, this motivation is coming out in the form of living alongside people that are broken because of sin and death. We love all people as they are because God’s words are alive in our lives. We don’t actually always get to choose where God calls us, we just know that He calls us to sit with the lost ones and bring them the Good News. This is the same Good News that was brought to us with the same motivation from God that someone else was driven by. 

We heard God’s voice saying it was time to go to 5Rock Ranch and His voice again about Bold City Church and we said okay. That direction from God is why we went to 5Rock Ranch and came to Bold City Church, instead of staying in the comforts of Southern California. So, we have the motive that was set long ago driving us and the overwhelming pressure on our hearts from God’s prompting to make big decisions like these because they will continue growing us closer to Him.

Obviously, we have had to give up a lot as we made these choices and it has gotten very hard at times. But, we believe there is so much more we will gain in the long run. We are motivated by God and our primary goal is to please Him.  It’s not to save anyone, because we do not have the ability to do so. We hope to teach our kids to praise God in everything they do and hope our family grows to know God more everyday. That’s it. I know that seems too simple, but we believe that living out the motives of God are simple. That’s not to say that it is easy, but choosing to say “yes” is simple. We are excited and nervous at the same time as Bold City Church becomes our family. But, we can honestly say that we are at peace with the motive that drew us to Bold City Church and know that God will be with us as we serve Him.