Hard Conversations
Have you ever had to have a tough conversation? Undoubtedly, you find yourself nodding your head yes. If you’ve been married longer than a month, your answer to this is a resounding yes. If you are a parent, you’re likely asking me aloud now “Are you kidding? What do you think I do all day long?”
Regardless of our station in life, we simply can’t avoid the tough talks every now and then. Whether it’s with a coworker who has crossed a boundary or offended us in some way or a beloved family member who is working our very last nerve and (intentionally) pushing our buttons, we all have to find ways to communicate in less than pleasant circumstances.
Fortunately, the Bible gives us specific instructions for what should come out of our mouths and the words we ought to choose even when we’re frustrated, angry, sad, or discouraged. And yet, heeding these instructions isn’t always easy. I know what you’re thinking...how about if I write it in an email? I am sorry to report there is no technology clause for this one. All kidding aside, no matter the method of communication we choose, all of our communication as followers of Jesus should be an encouragement to others - even the constructive and corrective kind.
“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
Ephesians 4:29 NLT
Good and helpful at the same time? Tall task. Seems to me it would be easier to just be sweet, nice, and good or critical and “helpful.” But both, Jesus? Really?
Take it from me, this verse is a hard pill to swallow for someone who struggles with anger.
Whoops. Did I just admit that in writing? Yep, I did. Even church folks, pastors, and leaders struggle from time to time. By the grace of God, I am not where he first found me. Far from it. But, I haven’t arrived either. None of us have. One of the ways we become painfully aware of that fact is through tough conversations and difficult communication.
But, I am here to report that there is still hope for us yet. Maybe you are like me and find it difficult to control your tongue when you’re good and mad. On the other hand, you may happen to be the opposite. Possibly, you’re the type of person who’s mastered the art of hiding how you really feel. Some of us are interchangeably both of these people depending on who we’re around and how well we know our audience. Either way, internalizing your frustration and stuffing your feelings down to deal with another day is just as perilous as exploding in anger, perhaps even more so. Eventually, you’re going to blow. Through tears or screaming, it’s finding a way out one way or another.
“But the words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you.”
Matthew 15:18 NLT
I once heard a pastor say, “If you are called to prophesy, you are going to struggle to control your mouth,” and it resonated deeply with me. In other words, your words are telling on you. It would seem to me that our issue with words is actually a heart issue. The mouth is just the outward symptom of the heart condition. So, if we truly want to walk in power and fullness of joy, even into a tough conversation, we need to believe and truly ask God to help us apply this direction in Ephesians in order to prophesy from a place of purity.
Let me guess, you’re thinking “Me? Prophesy? No way. That’s what super spiritual Christians do.”
Wrong. Even if you’re not a preacher on a platform, your words of encouragement that build people up and call them to become who God has created them to be are a type of prophesying! If you’re a parent, your daily words of affirmation over your children are prophetic. Every time you choose to edify your spouse in love instead of responding from a place of aggravation, you crucify your flesh and allow your tongue to be used by Christ. Each time you decide to show empathy to that coworker instead of firing off a snappy email, you are inviting the light of the world to shine through you.
“Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”
Proverbs 16:24 NLT
Ask yourself, how might God want to redirect your frustration and turn your communication with others into something life-giving and healthy?
Maybe it’s because I am a Communications Director and have worked in media and communications for almost a decade, but I often find myself engrossed by getting better, clearer, and (as a believer) more loving in the way I communicate. By the time you read this blog, I’ve likely already re-read it at least ten times myself.
Because of that, I often ruminate on conversations I’ve had after they’ve happened, sometimes to a fault. I was doing this just the other day and I felt the voice of God giving me some tips in a few areas about how to improve the way I approach certain conversations. Some of these I struggle with myself and some I have seen in the lives of others. But, every one of them has to do with situational awareness and applying the wisdom and discernment of the Holy Spirit, so that our communication may be both good and helpful. Hopefully, they’ll help you, too!
Timing
What if you have the right thing to say at the wrong time? Here’s a hint: Don’t say it. It’s key to remember that you’re not the only participant in two-way communication.
Need a real life example? I’ve got you covered. My husband works from home and we have help caring for my young son most days. But, there are a few times in between the cracks of our schedule when he’s on dad duty and desk duty at the same time. (Applicable sidenote: I hate messes.) If I come home from work and the house is a wreck, I feel like I have to clean it before I can cook dinner. Before I know it, I’m fussing about what a disaster it is and how stressed it makes me instead of seeing the blessing right before my eyes or considering how he might feel about trying to be all things to all people.
Case in point, this is absolutely not the right time to express my discontent with the state of our home or the toys strewn all over the living room floor. Rather, it might be a time to express my thankfulness for our partnership in caring for our son and how hard he works at the same time to provide for our family.
It’s not that you can’t express yourself. (Trust me, I am still bothered by the mess.) It's simply important to decide when. We’ve actually been given the freedom to choose our timing. Besides, putting a little distance between yourself and your frustration often brings the wisdom that’s needed to have a fruitful conversation at a later time.
Tone
When I was in grad school studying communications, I learned about a communication theory called “the medium is the message.” Hmm..makes me think. If you’re personally offended by someone, social media probably isn’t the place to go with it. Scratch that, it definitely isn’t. That’s because tone matters and it is very difficult to ascertain tone on a Facebook post. To round out this point, let’s go ahead and lump texts in, too.
God created us as relational beings for a reason. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve quite literally created my livelihood based on social media and a history of online communication. But, even I realize that texts and DMs aren’t the appropriate place for a difficult conversation, especially with a loved one or a friend. (There’s a character limit for a reason, folks!)
How you choose to send your message and what it sounds like coming out of your mouth matter. Remember that our scripture in Ephesians tells us that our words should build each other up. One way to work on your tone is to pray before you go into a conversation. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you how kind and merciful He has always been to you when you’ve messed up so that you can take that same grace into your next tough talk and allow it to affect your tone. Remember that no one likes to be talked down to and condescension won’t get you far. Choose kindness in your tone.
Track Record
I searched for a gentler, less direct way of expressing this one (especially considering the topic at hand) and came up nil, so here it is - consider the idea that you haven’t earned the right to speak into someone’s life. If you have no record of practicing empathy for this person, they probably aren’t going to receive criticism from you either, at least not kindly. Or perhaps for some other reason entirely that isn’t your fault, this conversation isn’t yours to have.
The best conversations, especially when they are hard ones, come from a place of relationship. If you don’t have one, a tough conversation likely isn’t going to go very well. Sure, there are times we have run-ins with strangers and folks we don’t know well that we will need to navigate. But, we need the grace of God to help us through these situations as we lay down our will and seek only to encourage.
Considering timing, tone, and track record helps us rise to the occasion of our next tough conversation instead of dreading it and gives us the wisdom to see it as an opportunity for growth. I don’t know about you, but I hope to look more and more like Jesus, the greatest communicator of all time, each and every day until I see him face to face. On that day, will you be able to stand with your head held high knowing that you did all you could to encourage and build up others?