When God Says No
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I prayed. I believed. I quoted scripture. But the answer was still no.
See, I’ve been told “No” in my life - by my mom, my boss, even my kids on occasion. But when God said no, it crushed me.
On May 12, 1997, five hours after her last doctor's visit, my wife died. She was twenty-eight and our son was only fourteen months old. We were the new youth pastors in a new city with our whole life to live. When cancer gripped her body, we tightened our grip on God. For eight months, we pressed in and claimed the promises of God. We believed with all our heart that God would heal her. But the reality of God’s answer came as we locked eyes that day and she stepped into eternity with the Lord. In that moment, everything inside of me died. I was crushed.
So, how do you respond when God’s answer to your prayer is a resounding “no?” My life was shaken to the core: emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The waves of sorrow, anger, and doubt fueled both my desire for more of God and my confusion over why in the world He would say no and allow her to die. I felt like I had failed her, failed at my faith, and failed God, because it was not supposed to end like this. But, I would soon learn that with God…there is always more to the story.
As I stared into the unknown of what my life would become and felt the heavy weight of being a single parent, the Lord comforted me and called me out of the cold empty darkness of my grief and regret. Healing was a process of working through my hurts and grudges towards God. God’s presence, scripture, and my church family reminded me that I wasn’t alone. I remember telling God, “What do I do now? My best friend is gone.” His response not only shook me, it captivated me. Our Heavenly Father said, “Randy, I thought I was your best friend.”
I have learned that God’s no often means that God knows. The Lord has an answer for all your questions, because He has all the facts. When I criticized God for not healing my wife, His response was simple, “But, I did. I gave her the ultimate healing; she is with me.” It was in that moment that I realized God has no obligation to do things my way. Every believer in Christ should know the four main answers God gives to our prayers: yes, no, not yet, and not me (meaning this is your responsibility). Each answer has a purpose, because God knows there is more to your story.
When God said no to my prayer, I began to re-examine His promises. What did God really say and mean? I found there is more to faith than getting what you want. After God said no, instead of giving up, I pressed in and eventually got a greater revelation of my perspective, trust, source, and desire - what I call a case of godly PTSD! Perspective is about seeing the bigger picture with God, because His ways are not our ways. Trust is about being all-in with God, no matter what happens. It is about acknowledging His ways and not leaning on your own understanding. Source is about relying on God, not yourself. Finally, Desire is about wanting what God wants and realizing He should have first place in your life.* It took time, but I realized that God knows how to work it all out.
The night my wife died is etched in my memory forever. With the paramedics, police, and funeral home attendants going in and out of my house, my pastor showed up and spoke a comforting, honest, and timely word to me. “Randy, I don’t know why this is happening, but I know Who will get you through it all,” he said. He quoted Mark 9:49 which tells us that every Christian’s life will be salted with fire. And that fire will refine and strengthen you. As painful as that experience was, God’s “No” did not mean that He was giving up on me.
Because God knows what is next. During this same season, a beautiful woman named Gina was also grieving the death of her beloved husband and God’s apparent “No.” In time, she would move to my city and attend our church. Our friendship has turned into an amazing twenty-years of marriage. She adopted our son and raised him as her own. She is great friends with my first wife’s mom and has been intentional about helping our son know as much about his mother as possible. We are partners in ministry, and together we have a daughter. God’s “no” means that God knows what is next and will work it out, even if we never fully understand how or why.
Maybe God is saying no to you today because He knows more about your story than you do.
*Isaiah 55:8-9, Proverbs 3:5-6, Philippians 4:13 and Matthew 24:13, Colossians 3:1-2 and Philippians 2:5-9